


Gay Snake Mating Habits

by BlueMinuet



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Awkward Romance, M/M, Relationship Advice, mentions of snake sex, snake biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 03:19:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6267472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMinuet/pseuds/BlueMinuet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: Inui makes a thorough, scientific study of human mating patterns and behaviors in an attempt to determine exactly what he must do in order to romance Kaidou.</p><p>Results may vary.</p><p>(With apologies to Auntie Sparknotes.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gay Snake Mating Habits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [psiten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/psiten/gifts).



> References to sparknotes and other guides herein are used lovingly, but I do not own those articles. Screenshot credits can be found at the bottom.
> 
> Original post can be found [here](https://referees.dreamwidth.org/3776.html?thread=511936)
> 
> Enjoy my humble offering to the Snake Juice ship.

**Step 1: The Look**

This was it. Weeks of research had been leading up to this exact moment. Still, Inui felt a spike of dread drilling into his stomach. He looked down at his notebook to steady himself. His primary resource had been printed out and stuffed neatly into the same notebook he used to log tennis statistics. It was perfect and no one would suspect anything. 

Today was the day that Inui would finally flirt with Kaidou Kaoru. 

Today, Inui would finally give him 

 

It was the perfect time. Coach Ryuuzaki was giving some sort of speech about the next tournament, and everyone was sitting in the clubroom, their attentions scattered at best. Kaidou was a few paces away from Inui, and he had a clear line of sight on him. 

Screwing his courage, Inui reviewed his notes for the first required flirting maneuver. 

Inui looked over at Kaidou. Kaidou was actually looking forward, seemingly paying attention. This was something Inui hadn’t planned for. He looked back at his notes, trying to find something of use of this contingency, but there weren’t many options that didn’t come with a risk of drawing someone else’s attention.

He looked up again to see Kaidou’s eyes wandering. An opportunity! Inui continued staring at him until finally — _finally_ — it paid off. Kaidou was looking back at him as well. Inui quickly remembered that there was timing to consider. 

“Mississippi,” he muttered. 

Kaidou’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as he mouthed “What?” at Inui. 

_Shit._

Inui quickly decided to try a different technique, to salvage _The Look_. 

Inui turned his head, cocking it back over his shoulder. The guide had been nonspecific — What angle should he be aiming for? What direction? — so he took his best guess, turning his head to be nearly parallel with the floor. 

Kaidou’s eyes widened, with an expression somewhere between confusion and fear, and turned to look back to the coach. 

Inui corrected his head to the normal — much more comfortable — orientation, and returned to his notebook. 

**Step 1: Success… ?**

* * *

**Step 2: The Come ~~Slither~~ Hither**

Inui waited until they were out practicing on the courts to try Step 2. It seemed like the best time, since this was usually the largest block of time they spent in the same place. Practice hadn’t officially started yet, with most people warming up on the court. 

Inui looked up from his notebook and caught sight of Kaidou, who was practicing shots with Echizen. It wasn’t a real match, so there was no reason he couldn’t stop to come talk, right? 

Inui tried _The Look_ a few times. It was hit and miss, with Kaidou splitting his attention between Inui’s stares and tennis. But a few glances was all it took, or so Inui’s primary resource had led him to believe. So with a few eye-contacts achieved, Inui moved on to the _Come Hither_. Next time Kaidou looked at him, he raised his eyebrows, and cocked his head the same way he had before. 

This time, Kaidou certainly looked at him for longer, but soon his attention was back on tennis. 

Inui frowned. Clearly it was time to try a more advanced technique. 

Inui tried again until finally getting Kaidou’s attention, repeated the _Come Hither_ , but this time in combination with a small wave. 

This definitely got Kaidou’s attention as he froze and stared at Inui. Inui’s heart skipped, thinking maybe he had succeeded. 

Then a tennis ball bounced off of Kaidou’s head. 

Kaidou whipped around to look at Echizen.

“Whoops. Sorry Kaidou-senpai,” Echizen said, sounding not the least bit apologetic. “But you should really pay more attention to the ball. _Mada—_ ”

Kaidou didn’t let him finish, serving the tennis ball back to him while hissing loudly. 

Inui went back to scribbling in his notebook. 

**Step 2: Failed**

* * *

Inui tapped his pen to his notebook. With the failure of Step 2, it made logical sense to keep trying it until it worked. But also, it seemed like Step 2 was unlikely to work well. Deciding that this called for desperate measures, Inui opted to just continue to Step 3, the one he felt most equipped to perform well at. 

**Step 3: Espionage**

After warmups, everyone gathered around Inui for him to hand out the training rotation for the day. It was the perfect opportunity. 

“Before we begin,” Inui said, “I need to collect some further data to make more accurate assessments.” 

There was some muttering, and at least one groan, but no one seemed eager to stop him. 

“Does anyone here have a crush on someone else?” Inui asked. 

Stunned silence stretched out for a long moment. Kikumaru enthusiastically raised his hand. 

“Put your hand down,” Ooishi whispered at him, grabbing his arm. 

“I do though,” Kikumaru whispered back. 

“Well, there’s this one girl...” Momoshiro muttered. 

Echizen laughed. 

Momoshiro turned on him. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Most relevant would be crushes on someone else in the tennis club,” Inui specified. 

Kikumaru’s hand shot back up. 

“Stop it,” Ooishi hissed at him. 

Inui looked up at Kaidou. Kaidou had clearly been staring at him, but looked away as soon as their eyes met. He hissed and began walking away, back to the courts. 

“Hey, Inui-san,” Ooishi said. “Maybe we could just… skip this part?” 

Inui, with quite a bit of difficulty, tried to pry his eyes away from Kaidou. “Right. Of course.” He looked back down to his notebook. 

**Step 3: Failed**

* * *

Inui spent most of the night glaring at his research. Then tearing up his research. Then making a pile of his research shreds on his desk and using it as a pillow. It wasn’t very comfy, but his neck already hurt from cocking his head at weird angles, so it didn’t matter anyway. 

After a few minutes, he bolted straight upright in his chair. He realized he had been going about this all wrong. He started up his computer, and started his research over again, this time with a different angle. 

It seemed promising, but just one thing bothered him. 

Opening a different tab, Inui tried a few different search terms.  


Finding nothing of relevance, Inui resigned himself to having to settle for heterosexual snake mating behaviors. Still, it seemed promising.

* * *

The next day, Inui got to the club room early, and found Kaidou there too, sitting on the bench. Kaidou looked at him, but then just as quickly looked away. It was nearly enough to make Inui reconsider, but he’d come this far. 

He walked behind Kaidou, on the guise of doing something else, and then quickly initiated the first and final step of the new plan. 

**Step 1: The Chin Bump**

Inui leaned over, bumping his chin on Kaidou’s head. Kaidou seemed startled, but didn’t move away. Inui decided to them complete the snake courting display by wrapping his arms around Kaidou. Kaidou was tense at first, but as the contact lingered he relaxed, even leaning back into Inui. 

“I like you,” Inui said, after some consideration. 

Kaidou seemed to consider this. He didn’t jerk away though. 

“I like you too,” he finally said. 

Inui smiled into Kaidou’s hair. 

**Step 1: Success!!**

**Author's Note:**

> Screenshot credits: ([1](http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/01/05/auntie-sparknotes-how-to-flirt-part-1-the-look)), ([2](http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/01/06/auntie-sparknotes-how-to-flirt-part-2-come-hither)), ([3](http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/01/08/auntie-sparknotes-how-to-flirt-part-4-crushing-on-friends)), ([4](http://animals.howstuffworks.com/snakes/snake5.htm))  
> The Google screenshot is photoshopped. I have no idea if sneks.com is a real place (but if it is, I’m sorry).


End file.
